bottomsuptonight:

I honestly still can’t believe how quickly I went from feeling so ducking great, to feel so awful. At this point last week, I don’t think I’ve been so happy in years. And now I’m just so bummed because I hate knowing your upset. You deserve better. You deserve to happy. You have a lot to think…

beverlywyatt:

harshcardigan:

lordofskramz:

Do you think the landlord’s pissed? We left a car parked on the lawn again. He’s looking. The porch is still and empty. We wrote our friends names on the walls inside. They’re laughing. We know that this isn’t home for long. The posters in your bedroom speak softly. They tell stories. So while the weather’s getting worse we take shelter in these walls again and tell stories. So where did you live and what did you learn there? We watch the fallen leaves turn to frozen trees, it’s been another year. Where do the echoes from the echoes go? Where does the water flow when it leaves our homes. I’ve been searching for this, something that I can run away with. It’s a life changing decision. Should I leave or try to beat this? (I know it gets harder everyday. But the dawn will fade and our skin will flake away.) Where do the echoes from the echoes go? Where does the water flow once it leaves our homes. Live wires are like this. They hit the streets and form a beacon. It’s a danger we’ve been warned, but we still stretch and try to reach them. Watching our planet grow on screens I spoke into a window sill and still forgot everything and it spoke back.  A thousand frozen trees but still there’s something burning. (I will stare while you are growing. Come with me to empty places.) They are filled with everything. Where do the pieces of our dreams recede? Into eyes shut that are opening. I never have ever decided what to think of all the years I spent in Connecticut. (Whenever, if ever I get my life together I’ll apologize for all the things I should have said.) So beat on the bass drum, make all the spiders run. We threw rocks at the house and it looked back. (and on another day lost to the setting sun I stare at the ceiling and it looks back.)

I’m not really as positive as I’d like to think that I know what caused this sudden spark of change in you. I would put money on the line to say that it was all her fault, and that she was the one that made you the person you’ve become. But I’m not so sure that I would win that bet. Because what if you’ve always had this jaded nature about you, but I was too blind to notice it before?

No, that can’t be it. Because when I met you, I don’t think I’d ever felt so strongly about anything in my life. I didn’t realize that you’d end up meaning this much to me, but I knew that you would be someone important to me. And the way you made me feel about myself… Well it’s something I can’t explain. Because you made me feel something I’d never felt before - hope. Hope for myself, hope for others, hope for the rest of my life. You were the sweetest boy I’d ever met, and I know that he’s in there somewhere, still. I tried my very hardest to bring that person out of you again, but I can only pull so hard. I tried and I tried for months on end, but she ruined you.

And I don’t hate her. I hate what she did. I hate that she recklessly abandoned you for her own personal gain. I hate that she treated you so horribly and got it stuck in your brain that that is how someone should be treated. Most importantly, I hate her for turning my best friend into a monster. Someone dead behind the eyes, a dark facade, and someone that I don’t even recognize. I know that the person I fell so deeply in love with is there somewhere, and I’m hoping one day that person can shine again. 

Because I’m not ready to let go of the past. I absolutely despise the person you are now, without a single doubt. But often times, I get that small glimmer of hope and I see the wonderful person I know and love. 

Like during the middle of the night when you think I’m sound asleep, and I feel your hand in my hair or around my waist pulling yourself just a little closer… Or when I see you looking at me out of the corner of my eye… I guess it’s those kinds of things that make me remember the old you. The one who couldn’t get enough of me.

But this person is not you. And if it takes me leaving for a while for you to adjust, then so be it. And maybe you never will change your ways, and that’s fine too, I guess. Although it’s quite disappointing, I’ll never forget the way you made me feel. How you loved me at my best, and ultimately, at my worst. Your eyes, your smile, your cold hands, and the warmth of you that made me laugh again.